Is this you? You're a kind, generous, and compassionate person who would drop everything to help a friend in need. You listen intently to their problems, offer a shoulder to cry on, and give advice with gentle honesty. You would do everything you can to never let them down. But what about you? What happens when you're the one in need? Do you offer yourself the same kindness, the same compassion, the same understanding you give so freely to others? Or do you put yourself last on your own list, pushing through exhaustion, ignoring your own intuition, and talking to yourself in a way you'd never tolerate from anyone else?
I'm willing to bet that you said "Yes, that is me." That's because too many of us have been taught, directly or indirectly, that putting ourselves first is selfish. That a good person is a selfless person. The truth is, ignoring yourself—your needs, your identity, your emotions—isn't a sign of strength or virtue. It's a sign of a relationship that's strained, and that's not helping anyone, least of all you. You've likely found yourself feeling stuck, lost, or rudderless after a major life change. Maybe you're searching for purpose and joy, but you're not sure where to even start. You might want to feel empowered and hopeful again, but the path forward feels blurry and full of fear.
The disconnect you feel isn't just about the change that's happening outside of you. It's a reflection of the relationship you have with the one person you will spend every single moment of your life with: yourself.
This is the most vital partnership you will ever have, and it's time you redefine it. This isn't about the surface-level "self-care" of bubble baths and retail therapy we see everywhere. This is about moving past simply "taking care" of yourself to becoming your own most trusted partner and advocate.
When you read this post, you'll gain a new understanding of this vital relationship and how to strengthen it. You'll learn to become clearer and more confident about who you are and what you need, which will, in turn, help you make conscious choices about the direction you want to head in for your future.
Before we can begin to build a healthier relationship with ourselves, we have to pause and get honest about what isn't working. It's easy to live in a state of "busyness" and discordance, constantly on the move and doing what we think we're supposed to do, without ever stopping to ask if it's what we truly want or need.
In hindsight, I can see that this feeling of emptiness and being lost was a symptom of my own strained relationship with myself. I was pushing through exhaustion and ignoring the quiet voice in my gut that was telling me something was wrong. We've likely all been there at some point, mistaking these unhealthy habits for normal life or even virtue.
Do any of these feel familiar to you?
- Self-criticism: That harsh inner voice that constantly judges your every move, telling you that you aren't good enough, smart enough, or worthy enough.
- Neglect: Always prioritizing everyone else's needs while ignoring your own physical, mental, or emotional well-being.
- Ignoring Inner Signals: Pushing through stress, unhappiness, or physical exhaustion without listening to what your body and mind are telling you.
- People-pleasing: Constantly seeking external validation because your own internal validation is weak.
- Perfectionism/Self-Sabotage: Setting impossible standards and then punishing yourself for not meeting them, which can lead to unconsciously undermining your own success.
If you recognize any of these symptoms, it’s not a sign of failure or something to judge yourself for. It’s simply an indication that it’s time for a shift. Acknowledging these patterns is the first step toward accepting them and making a conscious choice to correct the behavior. From here, we can begin the work of cultivating radical self-awareness.
What does it actually mean to be "radically self-aware?"
The word radical comes from the Latin word radix, meaning "root." It's not just a surface-level glance at your feelings; it's a deep, unflinching look at the very core of who you are.
And self-awareness is simply the conscious knowledge of your own character, feelings, and motives.
Together, they form the profound, honest practice of understanding yourself without judgment. It means being willing to see every part of yourself, even the pieces you may not wish to see.
During a major life transition, it's easy to feel like you've lost your sense of self. The person you once were no longer fits your new reality, and the path forward feels blurry. This is the crucial time to pause, turn inward, and listen. Radical self-awareness is the first step in this journey of rediscovery because you can't truly find your way if you don't know where you're starting from. It's the difference between blindly reacting to life's challenges and consciously responding to them.
My coach once shared with me a simple yet powerful idea that gets to the root of this idea.
"Self-awareness is self-care because you are taking the time to learn about yourself.
You are caring enough about yourself to spend the time getting to know yourself."
-Casey's Coach
You can't truly care for yourself if you don't know who you are or what you need. For example, are you pushing through exhaustion because you think you "should" be strong, or are you truly listening to your body's signal for rest? Are you pursuing a goal that aligns with what you truly value, or are you chasing something you think you're "supposed to" want?
When you practice this deep listening, you begin to see patterns and understand your triggers. Maybe you notice that after certain events like a big family gathering or a work conference, you consistently feel drained and irritable. Acknowledging this pattern allows you to set a boundary and choose actions, like scheduling quiet time for yourself afterward or leaving an event earlier than you normally would, that can alter how you feel and therefore the impact of the event on you.
A trigger is simply something that sets off a repeated feeling or emotional reaction in you. For example, if a familiar word, like trigger, makes you feel a certain way, roll your eyes a certain way, or even scoff and shut down, you have been triggered. (Ironic, right?) But understanding this as a trigger empowers you to respond to the situation in a less emotionally reactive way and to yourself with more compassion.
Most importantly, this practice allows you to recognize what truly brings you joy, whether it's a quiet morning with a book or a walk in nature. This awareness empowers you to make conscious choices that align with the person you are becoming, rather than staying stuck in the identity of the person you were. It is the first step toward building a relationship based on respect and understanding.
Once you start to see who you truly are through self-awareness, the next step is to accept that person completely. This is a big one. Our society often tells us we need to be perfect, to be our best selves every single day, and to never show weakness. But that's just not realistic. Life is messy, and we're all imperfect beings doing the best we can.
A healthy self-relationship is about embracing your "perfectly imperfect" self, not being perfect. It’s about releasing the need for validation from people and things outside of yourself, because you know your worth is within you. And it is not dependent on what anyone else thinks.
Right now you've likely experienced a loss of identity, a feeling that you're not who you used to be, and maybe you're struggling to accept the person staring back at you in the mirror. You might find yourself locked in negative self-talk, replaying past mistakes and telling yourself you should have done better.
This is where intentional self-compassion comes in. It's about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a dear friend in distress. When a friend makes a mistake, you don't belittle them or tell them they're a failure. You offer empathy and support. Why would you do any less for yourself?
"Accountability is the greatest form of self-love."
-Derrick Grant
This might seem counterintuitive, but accountability isn't about punishment. It's about taking ownership of your feelings and actions and then treating yourself with the grace to move forward. It means acknowledging when you've fallen short, learning from it, and then offering yourself the compassion to try again tomorrow.
When you hold yourself accountable from a place of love, you're not punishing yourself; you're actively supporting your growth. You're saying, "I see you, I know you messed up, but I'm here for you and we'll figure this out together." This is the foundation of a supportive partnership.
Self-acceptance is about allowing yourself to be human, to make mistakes, to rest, and to feel joy without guilt. Intentional self-compassion is about changing that internal dialogue and offering yourself the space and kindness you need to heal and grow.
Embracing self-acceptance and self-compassion is true strength because it's about stepping into your power and finding a deep, unwavering validation that comes from within. And the final step in this partnership is learning to set clear and respectful boundaries for yourself.
The final pillar of a healthy relationship is learning to set and honor respectful boundaries. We often use the words "limits" and "boundaries" interchangeably, but there's a small distinction that's important to understand.
A limit is about an amount—how much you're willing to do, give, or tolerate. When a limit is met and you go beyond it, you are violating a boundary.
A boundary is a core rule or policy you set to protect your well-being and sense of self. It's a line that, once crossed, signals a deeper violation of your peace.
Think about the ways you push yourself past your breaking point. The late nights working when you're exhausted, the endless overthinking, or the constant need for people-pleasing at the expense of your own peace. These are all signs of a lack of boundaries with yourself. A strained relationship with yourself often manifests in people-pleasing because it's easier to seek external validation than to trust your own inner voice. This can be especially true when you're navigating a difficult life transition and feel a deep sense of loneliness.
Setting respectful boundaries means learning to honor your "no," not just to others, but to the internal pressures that don't serve you. It means setting a clear limit on work or screen time or giving yourself permission to take a break without feeling guilty. This is what it means to become your own advocate. It’s about standing up for your needs and your well-being, even when it's difficult.
By honoring your own boundaries, you send a powerful message to yourself: "I respect you, and your needs matter." This empowers you to protect your energy and time, ensuring you have the emotional, mental, and physical resources to pursue your purpose and create a fulfilling life.
When you respect yourself enough to set and hold your own boundaries, you give others a clear roadmap for how to treat you. You teach them that you are worthy of respect.
While understanding why we need the pillars of a healthy self-relationship is crucial, real transformation comes from putting in the work. So, now that we have our pillars blueprint, we can move onto our 5 tools for building our self-relationship.
Building a healthy relationship with yourself isn't something that happens overnight. It's an intentional practice you can begin today. Here are some simple, practical steps you can take to start treating yourself more like your best partner:
- Daily Check-Ins: This can be as simple as pausing for a minute and asking yourself, "How am I feeling right now?" "What do I need?" or "Am I honoring my values?"
- Mindful Self-Talk: Become aware of your internal dialogue. When you catch yourself being critical, consciously reframe it. Instead of "I can't believe I messed that up," try, "That didn't go as planned, but I learned something valuable."
- Embrace Imperfection: Actively practice being "good enough" rather than "perfect." Celebrate your small wins and allow yourself to make mistakes without judgment. Remember, progress is a series of small, imperfect steps.
- Identify Your Non-Negotiable Needs: Find 1-3 things you must do for yourself daily or weekly to feel centered and whole. This might be movement, quiet time, or a creative outlet. Commit to them fiercely, as if they were a meeting with your most important client.
- The "Inner Friend" Exercise: When faced with a challenge or a moment of self-criticism, ask yourself, "What advice would I give my best friend in this situation? Now, how can I apply that to myself?" The answer will almost always be kind, gentle, and supportive.
This journey of redefining your relationship with yourself is a lifelong one. It isn't a destination you arrive at, but a daily practice of nurturing, understanding, and unwavering support. It is the most vital partnership you will ever have, and it will be the one relationship that influences every other aspect of your life.
When you treat yourself with kindness, acceptance, and respect, you have more to give to others. You stop people-pleasing and start building genuine connections, because you're operating from a place of wholeness, not neediness. When you're grounded in who you are, it enables you to live an authentic life, where your actions and decisions are in direct alignment with your true identity.
This is the foundation for pursuing your purpose sustainably, because you can’t pour from an empty cup, and you can’t lead or serve effectively if you’re constantly battling yourself.
You have the power to transform this relationship, one conscious step at a time. This foundational work will help you stop feeling stuck, lost, or rudderless. It will help you process the grief and loss of your past self and empower you to build a new life you love. By strengthening this core relationship, you'll gain the confidence to make choices about the direction you want to head in for your future and create a fulfilling life on your terms.
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*The information provided on this website, including blog posts, articles, and other content, is for educational and informational purposes only and does not constitute professional advice. The information shared here also is not a substitute for individual coaching sessions or a client-coach relationship. Always consult with a qualified professional for any specific concerns or before making any decisions. No guarantees are made regarding any specific outcomes or results from using the information provided on this website.
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